Effy.
If you haven’t watched Skins (UK) by now, you won’t know who I’m referring to. It’s a wonderful series fixated on the difficulties and adventures that make life a little easier as a growing teen in, you guessed it, the UK.
One of my favorite characters from the first and second generation, is Effy Stonem. I won’t go into too much detail for those that actually do want to check out this series. If you don’t want spoilers, skip down a couple of paragraphs. First impressions? Effy Stonem is quiet, but when she does speak it’s friggen brilliant. The best moments in the first generation are when she’s featured in the episodes. She seems to have her life, somewhat under control. Her plans to fix problems are ridiculously well-thought out.
Second generation. I was taken aback because it wasn’t what I expected of Effy. She kind of lost touch with reality, and I don’t mean just because of the drugs. All the events that have happened to her, repeat like a broken record in her mind. Of course, they don’t show that on screen, but you can feel it when you watch. She struggles. And at first, I didn’t like it because as a fan, I unintentionally placed all of my faith in her to be a really strong character, one whose outlook on life was set in stone, because she.. had control.
I may not be an Effy Stonem, but I came to realize to my demise that I didn’t like this side of her because it started to remind myself of me. No, I’m not a drug-addict. I’ll never know how she truly felt; she went through toooootally different things and everybody has their dark past. Yadda yadda. Realtalk; I don’t have many people I can count on anymore. Whenever I placed any trust in anyone, little or big, they just ended up hurting me. I’ve had abuse from my mom, my second oldest sister (all is forgiven and forgotten). Abuse from an ex boyfriend, among other kinds of problems. My problems are little compared to people who are dying, starving, no doubt. But when the walls start closing in, it’s all that I feel. It’s the only thing I think I am; the source of all that’s causing me whatever pain this is. It makes me selfish. It makes me lose myself. It makes me weak, and vulnerable.
Growing up, I always craved attention but never really deserved it. I was really naive, beyond belief. Had a number of guys liking me, and I treated them coldly, and never truly appreciated the friendships I had, or relationships. I even purposely would push my friends away with actions I can’t ever take back. I never knew why I did this. It was just a big confirmation to myself of how many friends I can lose, how much I can isolate myself. I was never good enough when it came to my family. I felt like I’d never be good enough for anybody, so I shoved all my feelings where I couldn’t find them, and started treating everybody else like they weren’t good enough for me just to make myself feel better. Bad idea. Terrible, terrible results. Never try this. Ever. With much regret about my decisions, I’ve apologized many times to people that deserve the whole world from me. Some, I can’t reach anymore.
Once upon a time, I thought I knew where I was headed in life. The right college major, the right boyfriend, the right everything. When I realized that the college major I was working so diligently for, turned out to be something other than what I wanted for my career, my passion, it all went downhill. Losing that little made me question who I was. That without this part of my “plan”, it makes me less me. Less of who ever I’ve known for a long time. And when I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and my best girlfriend of 5, I didn’t know who I was at all. I only knew this side of me that was with them, and without that…
Who am I?
I’ve been struggling with depression lately, and it’s getting ridiculous. No, I’m not suicidal. I know better than that now (referring to a very hopeless and emo 14-year-old version of myself). It’s just been difficult. And the only person I can tell everything to is my latest ex, who has now become my closest friend as if it wasn’t weird enough, and a bunch of people online that could really care less; this just makes me feel better to have it all flow out from me onto, something else.
A lot of people have asked me where I’ve been, how I’m doing. I don’t like saying everything in person, because I tend to forget the important details that make up the surface stuff. This 20-year-old version of myself, doesn’t like parading my feelings around in person anymore. Because at the age I am now I should have it all under wraps.. or whatever. That’s my internal clock speaking. I love having control; Feeling weak and vulnerable sheds a different layer of myself that I don’t like and never will. But Tumblr helps. It is my friend.
‘Course I still believe in God; Christians struggle, and question just like anybody else. It’s what makes us stronger in the end, that underlying faith that begs for us to ask, seek, and knock. I’m just going through a rough patch that I hope will soon blow over. It’s been about 8 months, and it’s gotten worse over time, but I deal. Learning to stand on my own two feet without solely depending on any person is difficult when you’ve been doing it for most of your years.
Look, I know I’m not anyone to complain or tell of my life story as if it was something super important that you just have to read into it. This just answers all the people who have asked, and wondered, how I’m doing.
To put simply, the unspoken details of my life.
