The Deets.

Me on phone: El oh el.
Friend: Hey, how come people laugh like l-o-o-l now? Laugh oooout loud.
Me: Maybe they’re just having a really good time. 
Friend: Haha, ok thanks Cindy.  

Slow down, you crazy child 
you’re so ambitious for a juvenile 
But then if you’re so smart, tell me 
Why are you still so afraid? 

Amazing how much empathy you could receive from just one song. I’ve always been afraid. I would plan, and plan, do more than expected of me, and I was content. For a while. Therein lies the curse of perfection. You’ll always think you can obtain it, sustain it, in the things you do. And the truth is, people will notice, and they will be proud of you even if they don’t tell you, but you deny and deny because you’re not good enough for yourself at this point. You sleep less or sleep more. You eat less or eat more. You start to question the point of it all. Everything is messed up.

I’m watching myself fall repeatedly, waiting for someone to catch me.
But the cold, hard truth is, I have to catch myself.

Step one, acceptance. Check. 
Step two, taking action one day at a time.

The awkward moment when you have insomnia and your parents hear you taking a shower at 4:30 in the morning. 

After an unavailing event of cafe hopping for WiFi with a good friend of mine, we decided to just end Easter Sunday with a late night dinner at Chili’s. We wait for about 10-15 minutes before we were called for our table. 

“Michael will be your waiter tonight.” I turn to my left. 

I stood there in frozen time, as his deep brown eyes locked on mine. It was like a dream. We exchanged sweet smiles. He led the way, and I couldn’t help but feel entranced. I don’t become attracted to just anyone, so you can imagine. And, for reference, he looks a lot like Jack O’Connell from Skins UK. 

My friend and I were seated, and I almost couldn’t hear anything he said over the sweet resonance of his voice and boyish charm. It was all too much. I waited until he was out of view to gush about him to my friend. I’ve never felt so girly in my life. 

“Is it sad that I can’t wait to order because I want to see him again?” I asked, already knowing what her answer would be. 
“Nope. Not at all,” she replied in approval. He really was handsome. Is. Is handsome. 

Every time he came back to serve us, and our eyes would meet, there was never a moment gone to waste. We engaged in small talk. Him talking to us, and me just smiling speechless, more like. It’s ok, guys. He smiled back.

Oh man, did he smile back. 

He would sneak glances before he headed to the back of the restaurant, as did I. And I’m probably imagining it all or making it more than what it was. All I know is, there was mad, unspoken chemistry. And if I thought it all up, I believe that was the happiest my imagination has ever made me. 

I don’t know why I didn’t purposely leave something behind so that he could chase after me for it. I could gush for days about this. But anyway, going back for a Chili’s dinner next Sunday. Same time of the week. His shift. Just one more time. 

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It’s like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can’t read.
Just yet.

The awkward moment when you’re trying to shop at Victoria’s Secret, and a straight guy is asking if you need any assistance.